are you: applied art or fine art...?

What does it really mean to be an uni graduate?

At first,it was for a job. Now, is it really that which dictates my future? I feel well enlightened, consuming more educated conversations, initiating more mature decisions ... But is this really what life is about?

Am I not still just dependent on my core instincts which my education not only did not alter, let alone enhance? Am I not still just reliant on my dreams and drive to not be engulfed by the pressuring everyday life? And thus, is it not what I am born with the most vital in dictating my life?

When have we allowed life to dictate over us? When have we accepted that socially constructed nature of an education?

I sit here, after a day of no work, and am confused. what then am i, are we, really chasing in life?

We are all a form of applied art, that were created to promote and communicate for a certain something or someone ; let it be your family or your company . But who's out there like me , desperately struggling to represent oneself as fine art, those that have the ability to stand alone, unique like no other?

When you have no name, knowledge means nothing.
What you gain no respect, work goes down the drain.

I was created with abilities, but why am I place in a world of singularity? How does the core branch out when it's bound by it's surrounding?
Have I not been trying hard enough? Have I been wasting time? Or have I been fantasizing all those that seem to have the ability to happen?

Either limit me, or let me spur. Why am I stuck here halfway wondering if I should retreat or should advance?
I wish for a fruitful life, and I have been granted the experiences to build one, then why does it feel so wrong when it should be right?
At the end of the day, those with the ideas succeed, those who combine talent and hard work conquers.

Not those with a BA from an university.

when all else fails...

art and dance is always there for me.

i've again realized the power behind these two things in my life.

waacking class with liss funk,
i am reminded why i love to dance.
muscles tensed, brain turned on, body in motion.
completely letting my characteristics take over
and see what they can do with the choreography.
master it.
deliver it.
feel it.
with myself.


conversation about semiotics with a new frd,
more like a total stranger
but the passion's not weakened
more even so strengthened
and i know im really living up to my concept
and it has became my belief
that has just been able to translate itself into words
im loving it.

how far can i go?
its how much i want it.

brian puspos
mariel martin
dancers who inspire me so much about dance
and life

i WANT this. SO bad.

watch me GO.

enlightened.

so many talented souls out there
many of which surrounds me.

so blessed
so grateful
so ridiculous

nothing beats a conversation with someone who knows you better than you do
things just spills
nothing to hide
nothing to prevent
nothing to worry about
just,
talk.

and respond.

truthfully to every question.



what we lack in this society.
honesty.




"lyrics of truthful honesty sticks to the mind"
thus we sang to one without losing a single word.


"give yourself the opportunity to change,
because you can't force yourself to do anything."


i don't know why i always listen to you
for almost a decade
i just listen.

and you've taught me well.



so familiar
as if it has all happened before
so strange.
but not strange at all.


you remind me of things i have forgotten
marks and traces i have made
in the past
deliberately
for the future me to
reveal.



and hello.


i smile to it.



im just glad.
right and wrong doesn't matter no more
i know you too well to judge.
you're you.
and im me.
and we breathe.



once you've learned how to play the game right,
the game
is lots of fun.

can you just tell me?

do you know what this is?
if you do, can you tell me
before i believe in what i think it is
and then get proven by reality
that i have always been wrong?

i can't keep up
or is it you not keeping up?

the balance is corrupted
and when things are grey
i do not understand
i fear
and i panic.

over analyzing
things that are simple
but could be more


one or none


green or red


hi or bye




maybes are torturous
i want answers
and i hate myself for demanding them

wheres the freedom to anticipate
the room to imagine
the air to flow
without the constraints of
proof.

i want proof.
i hate indecisiveness

decide
with me.
for me.

so i can just
be me.

lalala.

"cant you come to me,
so i don't have to run?"



waking up on a saturday to bigbang is pretty intense

doritos
furry boots
gold rings
and a lack of concentration.


so twas the jury for grad show
so twas when i prove to myself once again how much some of my fellow artist classmates are wack beings.
so twas when i realize how easily i am influenced in how i perceive a person to be.
so twas when i admitted i hate easily, and thus i love easily too.

i suck at accepting the same person when they react differently from how i thought they would usually.
its so complex now that the identity seem to have diversified itself.

life lacks straight-forwardness
i lack in flexibility.


"everytime i come close to you
feel like im gonna dream everytime."


20 more days

i feel like steak.

my body still feels a bit like a piece of soggy fry.


im always looking at the clock
hoping it'd travel slower when i have to get up for class
hoping it'd travel that much faster so our times collide
hoping it'd travel that much slower when the morning's about to burst on my side of the earth
and then hoping it'd travel faster so time isn't an issue anymore.



im hungry.


my head is warm
but my hair's still short.

sarang. hey.





time to stop thinking.
time to start dreaming.